Recapping from the last post, here’s a paragraph that would probably get a quick rejection from an agent…
A bright red 2005 Honda Civic sped down the one straightaway on a long, winding mountain road, going thirty miles per hour over the posted speed limit. Inside the Honda, four college students jammed out to the sound of Jay-Z screaming his latest single from the hopped-up stereo. All four young adults had their arms and legs poking out the open windows, shaking them up and down to the music. Coming up soon, however, was a ninety degree turn. The driver, Trevor McIntire, would have to make a decision – slow down and risk his friend’s derision, or plunge ahead and take his chances with the curve. With only seconds left before he had to take action, he pondered the consequences of his decision as wind blew his hair all over his face.
And here’s the paragraph rewritten such that it placed in the top ten of the Jerry Jenkins contest. I’ve split it into two paragraphs. The car is a Grand Am instead of a Honda, but that isn’t relevant to our discussion…
The red Grand Am rocketed along the narrow country road, bouncing from side to side. An arm or leg stuck out of every window, moving in time to the THUMP, THUMP, THUMP of the thousand-dollar stereo. The speedometer eased past eighty-five.
Though not a sports car, the Pontiac was nowhere near its limit. The driver, however, needed to make a decision. A looming ninety degree curve dared him to keep up the breakneck pace.
Now, keep in mind that the above paragraphs weren’t good enough for publication, but they were much better than what came before. Why? There’s less information and less description, so that should be worse, right? Well, less is more, and a more concise paragraph is usually better in the publishing world.
One of the things that it’s important for a writer to learn is to leave gaps for the reader to fill in. If everything is described perfectly and in great detail, the writing becomes boring, and the reader actually becomes less engaged. The trick is to provide just enough detail to activate the reader’s imagination so that they fill in the missing information subconsciously. This causes the reader to engage more with the story.
Let’s consider some specifics that made the second version better:
1) Since it has no bearing on the story, the car can simply be “red” instead of “bright red”. Let the reader choose a shade they like.
2) The year of the car has no bearing on the story, either, so leave that detail out.
3) I changed the word “sped” to “rocketed”. This better sets the tone of the story, and descriptive verbs are better than everyday verbs.
4) It doesn’t matter that the driver is on the only straightaway on the road, so the adjective “one” is removed. I’m not going to list every example of removing extraneous words. If you compare the paragraphs, you’ll see similar omissions.
5) You could argue that it would have been better to leave in the part about “Jay-Z screaming his latest single”. That’s not bad or necessarily extraneous writing. It does, however, date the story, which is not always a good thing.
6) The change from “shaking them up and down” to “moving in time” is an example of economy of words. The revised version reads a little smoother as well.
7) Instead of just shaking to the music, the kids are now moving to the THUMP, THUMP, THUMP. This brings to mind the actual sound the reader will likely have heard before. Triggering the aural memory makes the story more realistic.
8) Using both economy of words and leaving out details that the reader can fill in, the revised wording says that the “speedometer eased past eighty-five”. The reader will know without explanation that this is way over the speed limit – regardless of what the exact speed limit is.
9) Instead of “seconds left before he had to take action” and “pondered the consequences…” we have a curve that dares the driver to keep up his speed. This personifies the curve, adds a more active verb, and eliminates ponderous description.
We could pick this apart in more detail, but the above points pretty much cover the types of changes that turn “good” writing into “better” writing. We still have work to do, but that will take place in the next post.