As promised in the last post, I’m going to show actual writing examples that range from good to – hopefully – magnificent. Let’s start with the paragraph below…
The car sped down the road. The college students inside the car hung their arms and legs out the open windows and shook them up and down to the music coming out of the radio. A ninety degree turn was coming up soon, so the driver was going to have to make a decision.
The above paragraph is good – at least from a strictly mechanical perspective. The spelling and grammar are correct, and the ideas are clearly stated. The paragraph could be the opening for a book, short story, or school assignment. If used in a high school paper – and if the rest of the work was no worse – then it’s quite possible it might earn the writer an A.
If the same paragraph was used in a college paper, it should earn a passing grade, if not a B. Depending on the professor – and the rest of the paper – it might earn an A, but I doubt it. The wording is dull, and expectations are higher in college. If the paragraph had been used in a proposal to an agent or publisher, it would garner an immediate rejection – if the reader got past the first sentence at all.
How do we fix it? Ah, well, as any good college student knows, and as the beginning writer believes, we need to embellish it! Here’s something that might garner an A in college:
A bright red 2005 Honda Civic sped down the one straightaway on a long, winding mountain road, going thirty miles per hour over the posted speed limit. Inside the Honda, four college students jammed out to the sound of Jay-Z screaming his latest single from the hopped-up stereo. All four young adults had their arms and legs poking out the open windows, shaking them up and down to the music. Coming up soon, however, was a ninety degree turn. The driver, Trevor McIntire, would have to make a decision – slow down and risk his friend’s derision, or plunge ahead and take his chances with the curve. With only seconds left before he had to take action, he pondered the consequences of his decision as wind blew his hair all over his face.
What a difference some descriptive words make, right? Ummm…right – sort of. It’s more entertaining to read the second attempt. A college professor would be pleased. The spelling, grammar, and ideas haven’t changed, and they’re still good. It’s the perfect paragraph, right?
Not if you expect to get published.
An agent or editor might read the entire paragraph. There’s no guarantee they would read any further. Why? Because even though that might be a “great” paragraph at the college level, it stinks for a pro.
There are several problems to correct, but this post grows long, so I’ll be showing a much better paragraph next time – one that placed in the top ten of the Jerry Jenkins contest.