From the last post we started with the following book opening, which is pretty good writing:
The red Grand Am rocketed along the narrow country road, bouncing from side to side. An arm or leg stuck out of every window, moving in time to the THUMP, THUMP, THUMP of the thousand-dollar stereo. The speedometer eased past eighty-five.
Though not a sports car, the Pontiac was nowhere near its limit. The driver, however, needed to make a decision. A looming ninety degree curve dared him to keep up the breakneck pace.
But “good” is not good enough in the publishing industry. It needs to be great. Let’s see if we can achieve “great” with some subtle tweaks…
A looming ninety degree bend dared Trevor McIntire to keep up his breakneck pace. His fire-red Honda eased past eighty-five, blurring cattle and farmland on either side. The car jinked left, then right as human appendages jutting from all four windows rocked to the WHUMP, WHUMP, WHUMP of the thousand-dollar stereo, a collegiate party on wheels.
I’ve moved back to a single paragraph for this opening. Let’s examine the other changes I made.
The “rule” in book publication is that the sole job of the first sentence of any book is to make the reader want to go on to the second sentence. The job of the second sentence is to make the reader want to move on to the third sentence, etc. There are also some ancillary rules associated with the first sentence of a book. You are supposed to introduce the main character, preferably by name, and you are supposed to show some action. These “rules” can be broken, but the author must be wary in doing so. In summary, however, the job of the first sentence is to hook the reader.
A looming ninety degree bend dared Trevor McIntire to keep up his breakneck pace.
In the sentence above I introduced the main character by name, I’ve indicated action, and – hopefully – I’ve placed a question in the reader’s mind by saying that the character must make a decision regarding the ongoing action. If I’ve done my job well – and only the reader can judge this – then curiousity will have been generated about what decision must be made regarding the looming curve being approached at a breakneck pace. (Feedback please!)
The second sentence introduces more of the setting: Trevor is in a car travelling at a high rate of speed. The car is described as “fire-red” to add a little spice and plant the idea in the reader’s mind that this is a “hot” situation. Cattle and farmland indicates we’re out in the country (more setting), and “blurring” adds to the sense of speed. While not a “hook” sentence in itself, hopefully just enough information is added that the reader is still curious enough to move on to the third sentence.
The word “jink” is used purposefully, along with movement left and right to indicate a couple of things: First, the word “jink” refers specifically to the word used by fighter pilots to describe the quick and random motions they make to avoid enemy fire, and second, to show that the car is not on a steady course, but rather is subject to random – or perhaps, uncontrolled – motion. The arms and legs sticking out help add to the sense of chaos and the word “collegiate” sets the age of the characters. Finally, I changed the word “THUMP” from the original paragraph to “WHUMP” because that more accurately describes the actual sound one might hear from a pounding radio.
Notice that none of the information significantly changes between the two writing examples – it’s HOW the information is worded that has changed. And that is precisely what sets a good writer apart.
Next we’ll look at baggage. And I’ll explain in my next post what I mean by that.